Practice: Tennis Match Conversations

James Crader  

Hello, and welcome. I'm James, and I'm here to walk you through, to guide you through a really important practice, a life sport really, called Wellness match conversation. But before we get started, I wanna share with you something that I found really interesting. Years ago, I found out a really, amazing anatomy fact. If you imagine where your heart is and you imagine where your tongue is they seem in very different regions, very different parts of the body. But did you know that your tongue is connected down into your throat and connected into some muscles within the throat that then connect into some fascia or connective tissue that directly surrounds and connects into some of the, tissue of the heart itself, which sounds like a lot of words. But if we zoom out a bit, what this means is that our tongue is directly connected to the heart. So if we put it in context of the practice of today, we quite literally speak from our heart. 

And I wanted to start off with that because it's, it frames why things like conversation, why things like sharing, why things like expressing are so important for your health and the health of your relationships. Now what are we doing today? Well, we're doing something called the tennis match conversation technique. And before we get started, just visualize maybe what a tennis match might look like, or a ping pong match for that matter. And we're gonna make it a singles match. Right? So you got and person on one side and the other person on the other side. And the first person serves, and the other person volleys it back, and there's a back and forth connection. And ideally, within connection itself, interpersonal connection and especially conversation, that back and forthness is really what distinguishes good conversation, good connection, from lacking connection. And connection is really what you want, I want, we all want, whether we think about it a lot or we don't. 

Connection is a human drive. Connection is quite literally what regulates your nervous system. We regulate each other's nervous system all the time. And nervous system regulation is super important for things like stress endurance, fortitude, resilience. Also stuff like immunity boosting, just feeling good, sleeping well at night, being able to get through the good times and the bad times with more ease. So we're gonna explore that through the realm of conversation. And again, the destination Patient the visualization here is that tennis match, that volleying, that ping ponging back and forth. I'm gonna and walk you through what this might look like so that whether you are someone receiving care or a caregiver, family, friend, or professional, we have some tools in our tool belt to help connect with each other in that paradigm, in that relationship, and also outside of that relationship. 

Because again, this is sort of a life sport. This is a tool to put in your tool belt whether you are on the job or at home or out in the world. This is what good conversation might look like. So picture yourself as that first person, that person serving. Right? How do you initiate the conversation? Well, one of the best ways to do it is a thoughtful question, a question that is open and centers curiosity. What does that look like? Well, it's something that's really hard to answer with a yes and a no. It's something that requires, just by the framework of the question, that there be a little bit of a thought and a little bit of a deeper dive into answering the question. So person number 1 serves up a question. 

Person number 2, if the question is a good question, a good conversation starter, is gonna think about it and answer it. Now what does person number 1, the person that is, serving that question, what is their role as that second person is answering? Well, ideally, you'd be doing some active listening. What is active listening? Active listening is where you are actively listening, and there are some quite tangible benchmarks of what that looks and sounds like. Number 1, it's eye contact. It's presence. It's me letting you know that I'm with you in this conversation. There may even be some nonverbal gesturing. There might be some, like, head nodding. 

There might be some sort of prearticulate sounds. Mhmm, Things like mhmm, and uh-huh. Those are indicators that I'm listening to what you're saying. As that person wraps up, there might even be some mirroring, some reframing or rephrasing what you heard that person say. You may rephrase exactly what they've said. So what I'm hearing you say is your cousin did this, and that made you feel this way. Right? Or it may just be, oh, that really reminds me of, and a thing that it reminds you of. It could even look like, I'm so sorry to hear that, or, wow, what an amazing story. 

Thank you for sharing. Right? Now person number 1 has served up a question. Person number 2 is responding. You're actively listening. Right? You're playing with, well, where is this storyline going to go next? As that person wraps up, there are a few things that might happen. They may ask you a question in return, right, serving up another question, and the whole tennis match conversation keeps going. Or they may not quite yet feel comfortable or know how or even realize they're in this tennis match game. So instead of just letting the ball drop, something you can do is then share a story of your own related to that first story. 

You could also ask for clarifying questions. Oh, tell me more about your cousin. Oh, tell me more about that time. I'm really curious to know how did that all and, or where did that go next? Because that conversation is not just words that are sort of living out there. It's how we are in real time connecting with each other, human to human. And we're doing it from our heart through our words. So I made up a little list of some really good conversation starters. Let let me share some of them. 

Number 1, a really great question to get started with is, what do you daydream about? Sort of inviting that person, that second participant, to imagine and maybe reveal some vulnerable or some really fantastic things about themselves. Question number 2. What has been the highlight of your past week? I love questions that center appreciation and what's working well for someone. Who in your life do you feel safest with? Such a profound and amazing question. You're really gonna discover some things about that person, especially as you dive deeper into the conversation. Oh, amazing. What makes you feel safe? What has been the safest feeling moment? When have they shown up with the most support? Things that open up conversation to revealing who and how we are with each other. What is something you inherited from your parent that you love the most? Maybe it's a physical trait. 

Maybe it's a trinket. Maybe it's a legacy item. What is something that you've inherited from a parent or your parents that you really treasure? Is it a smile? Is it a sense of humor? Is it a bed frame? Is it a picture? Is it a locket? Who knows what the answer might be? And one of my favorites, how do you see yourself? Especially in the context of Caregiver giving, how do you see yourself? How do you see yourself as someone receiving care, someone providing care, and even more importantly, outside of that paradigm so that you and I can know each other differently, so that you and them can know each other differently and just enrich that relationship. So as we enter into conversation, as you enter into conversation with your loved ones, whether that is a professional caregiving experience or a family and friend caregiving experience or other. Think about that ping pong tennis match visual. Think about speaking from your heart and making space for other people to speak from their heart. Now as you think about this, think about what what from this practice really resonates well with you. And see if you can just start there doing some of the things from this practice. 

Maybe it's just getting in touch with your heart as you speak. Maybe it's coming up with a list of really good questions. Maybe it's active listening that you're gonna practice. And think about the things from this practice that maybe are a little more difficult. Maybe it's vulnerability, maybe it's asking the questions and thinking about when you can practice those things. What is it gonna take to be able to open up that skill set? Right? And as we wrap up, know that no matter where you are on that spectrum, no matter how easily you speak from your heart or come up with really curiosity centered questions, you're doing great because you're strong, you're resilient, and little moments like this, they matter. I'll see you soon. Thanks for joining us.